100 % survival at 2 years from diagnosis... as of May 18th

Hello, dear readers:

Thanks for your patience.  It's been over a month since the last blog.

Today, a milestone has been reached - 2 years since the original cancer diagnosis, and almost 8 months since the liver metastasis diagnosis.  And I still get to be here, able to hike (3+miles today) and bike and go to yoga and do nice things for B and the kids, and....  Happy dance!! Celebrate!!  Delight!!

It would have been fine if God had already taken me home ("To be absent in the body is to be present in the Lord".)  AND YET, I am totally grateful to have had these 2 years on earth.  2 years to "walk by faith, not by sight, " To ride my mountain bike and hike and do yoga, enjoy the amazing crazy beautiful spring flowers and birds here - well, at least hypomanic beautiful.  I got to be here for my son E, for his senior year of high school and first year of college. Now I get to relate to him adult to adult, and just enjoy his sense of humor, his caring heart, his singing, his continuing growth as a human.   And to get to visit daughter L in Berlin, meet her friends and housemates there, see her growth as she finishes her master's degree, to pray for her, to enjoy great Skype conversations - turns out we get to talk a lot more, now that I am not working 800 hours per week.   And daughter A, well, getting to spend time with her by phone and in person, enjoying her kindness, her quick wit, her amazing loyalty and love, her persistence in going to college while also working a very stressful nursing job at a prison....     

And being able to live up here in Portland with B, after a year apart due to his job transfer and my need to continue to have health insurance. I stopped taking for granted being able to have him next to me at night.  Even little things like doing dishes and folding laundry are no longer chores but rather opportunities to be kind to him.

Not to mention getting to bask in the love and support of my extended family and friends and former patients.  So many calls, letters, emails, gifts, kind thoughts, prayers!  It is humbling to be on the receiving side of such grace and caring and concern.

The final scheduled chemo cycle is June 15-29.  No word yet on what happens after that, treatment-wise. 

Every way I have come up with to say thank you to you all just doesn't express the depth of gratefulness I feel for you.

L's Birthday! I thought I posted this in April! sorry about the delay

Happy mid-April!  

Deepest La Nina in known history, I have heard.  So we are still having high temps in the low 50's, and a lot of blossoms are delayed.  This morning, there was sunshine for maybe 2-3 hours.  Making the best use of it, I lay on the floor in a sunbeam.  B asked if I was ok - so I purred. 

Week 3 of 2nd 12 week chemo cycle. Harder this time side effect-wise.  Maybe that 40% of liver was metabolizing things better last time. But overall, so so much easier than so many people! My memory, especially verbal and visuospatial, are sinking back into the pit again. and oh, attention...  I can tell by the scores on the weekly cognitive testing that I cannot work now.

The hardest part for me that I have not really been contributing to other people much.  I had really felt that my Arizona practice was helpful to others.  I love how so many people with psychiatric issues get better and have major improvement in their lives if we can just get them treated.  But how much was for the patients, how much was for me to feel better about myself or looking good,  and how much was really serving God by helping others?  Even our best attempts at doing good are not purely motivated. Grateful that I do not have to earn God's love and grace. Astonished that He would love me, despite myself.

The weather is so big and so rapidly changing. today on a 3 mile walk, it was sunny and bright, then by the turnaround point we were in dark gray clouds, then hailed and rained upon for the last mile.  Just as I got got dried off, it became, you guessed it, sunny again.   But we have been spared of the horrible tornados in the southeast that were the result of the atypical Spring -   I grieve for the people who have lost family, and homes, and health...

My middle child, L, turned 24 today - how is it  possible for time to go so fast?  I just got a postcard from the Cliffs of Despair (think Princess Bride) from when she was in Ireland and Wales and England this last week.  Apparently she had so much fun that she has not slept in 2 days.  Should be interesting when she gets back to the lab in Berlin tomorrow.  I cannot describe how wonderful it is to have her be so happy and doing good work and loving life and being adventurous. Life as a mommie doesn't get much sweeter than that.

My older daughter, A, is in the trenches currently, so life is not so easy for her - working too many hours at a prison. She is somehow giving excellent care in a crazy setting, and keeping good boundaries in the land of "what's a boundary?"  Oh, and her schedule with college is all goofy, due to a local AZ hospital chain that used to rhyme with Bavaritan having suddenly cancelled or changed clinical rotations for more than one mursing program in the valley. Everyone is unsure if they will be able to progress and graduate on time.  And her program has been doubling up on weekly classes, just to add even more stress.  But she perseveres. An amazing woman.

My son, E. Well, he is having a great time in Flagstaff.  Lots of good friends. He has not been, uh, burdened with the internal drive to get good grades and all right now.  But the man is 19.  Better to figure out who one really than to do work that you hate.  Plus, he is not having to support anybody but himself now.  I do get to see him next week for a visit up to the great northwest.   I am so psyched!

And my son-in-law's band stayed with us last weekend - had a tour that led them through Portland. I had not heard them in 6 months.  They were really well recieved here, and they earned it.  It is wild how their musicianship, both  individually and as a group, continues to grow. Usually bands either don't stay together long enpough to gel, or they stop growing musically, or both.  I am darn proud of those guys. And so glad that got rid of their first drummer (me). 

 grape hyacinth - intense! 

Daffodils getting bored of  a lecture.